flashback!

last weekend my brother and his family came over for dinner. he started a new job before christmas, and he was telling me a week or two ago, he was in the lineup at the cafeteria when a woman behind him called his name. he looked over to her and didn't recognize her until she introduced herself. turns out she's an ex-girlfriend of MINE! we dated way back in high school for about two weeks before it fizzled (ok, she dumped me!). then at a school dance a year or so later, we spent most of the night slow dancing together, but nothing came of it. i last saw her after i graduated from high school (she was still in high school). i was home for christmas from my first year of university and was at the local mall when i ran into her. we only chatted a short while before turning our backs on each other and walking out of each other's lives for what i assumed later on was the rest of our lives. i've occasionally wondered where she was, or what she was doing... in those fleeting moments we have about our past. but everytime i did think about her, i assumed i wouldn't run into her again.
it got me to thinking about the people we meet in our lives. people fill some kind of role in our lives for a short period of time, then move on, as if we've learned everything we need to know from them. in some sense, the relationship dies permanently. most people we'll never see again. yet we carry with us the experiences of every thing we've ever done, and every interaction with every person we've ever met.
my brother didn't talk long with her. he said he was planning on having lunch with her sometime. i asked him if she asked about me... he said, without hesitation, "No.".
the bitch.....
:P

Twice in a week???

eah, that's right, another blog entry, mere days later! i was playing hockey sunday night - we won 4-2 - and in the last few seasons, our team has acquired a couple of young hotshots. one guy used to play junior hockey, and the other guy was on the varsity team. i wonder what it must be like for guys like this to play at our level. i mean, we're not terrible, but we can't play the game at their speed, for sure. i get a little intimidated playing with them, and i play too cautiously, afraid to make mistakes. over time, i'll get used to playing with them and i'll be more effective. my biggest problem is when i get the puck, i usually pass it to them (because they're moving so fast). then i would just cruise around watching them play - maybe because i can't keep up, but more likely because i'm still somewhat in awe of their speed and skill. ah well, i'll get used to playing with them. i'm not the greatest hockey player, but i'm decent. i think my main limitation is myself. my game is based on confidence, and it's a delicate balance. after a good game, i feel confident; after a bad game, the confidence is shattered. it's all good though, i just love the game!

what the hell have i been up to?

Hey, so... yeah.... it's been a while since i have blogged... over a month i think....
i keep meaning to blog but ... well... any excuse i mention here would be a lame one, so i won't bother.

that image above is a doodle i drew in january. i keep a journal, and i often do these doodles on the inside covers of the journal books. i've added a few other photos of my doodles on my flickr, as well.

i've been hanging out in a new trivia room, trivia madness:10, and they asked me to be a mod, so i agreed. i am often in there during the day or in the late evening, so drop by. i sometimes play tunes or even play songs on my geetar in there... it's a fun group. i first started going to trivia rooms last fall and got to know some folks in room 6, and some of them decided to branch off into a new room, so i'm there most of the time now. i still visit my buds in books and lit4 (or 5, or 2?!?!) as well. they do trivia some nights, and we have live music nights in there as well.
speaking of music, i re-strung my guitar last week. the guy at the shop talked me into buying these high-end strings, stating that they last longer. i don't change strings as often as i should, so i figured it would be a good investment. i always seem to forget how much difference a new set of strings can make on the sound of my guitar. i still want to get a new guitar in the near future. i bought a low-end mandolin over the xmas break, so i've been learning to play that as well. i went into a few music stores at the time, and i was in awe at all the guitars hanging from the walls.

i'm learning some new songs on geetar, a johnny cash song, which is ready - it's a request/suggestion from a good friend of mine. and i want to learn a tom waits song i heard just yesterday. i also want to learn a song by a band called 'keane'. it's all good...

on that note... here's to hoping i add words here a bit more frequently...

O

new year's and silly rituals

a tradition is nothing more than a habit, really. we are creatures of habit, and we tend to be drawn to things that are familiar to us, as we fear change.

most people have their traditions or rituals over the holidays. and they do them only because they've always done them. my mom has always given us a pair of socks for christmas. 2006 was no different (thankfully, the socks are new!).

on new year's eve for the past five years, my brothers and i and our families and some friends meet at one of their homes and go for a mountain bike ride on some local trails. whether it snows or rains, we still do it. we insist to newcomers to this silly ritual that the ride will be a relaxed, fun ride, but it never is. my brothers are both type-A and they're always trying to impress each other. so it always ends up with them taking off, full-speed ahead, with me trudging along at a relaxed, fun pace. everyone (except me) gets caught up in this macho-fest. last night was no different. this time, there was no snow, but the trails were muddy and slippery.

halfway through the ride, we stop at a little picnic area and indulge in another silly ritual of downing a shot of scotch. i'm not a drinker, but i have a small sip. after this, the ride continues at a pace that is far from relaxed. the ride was reasonably fun for me, because i didn't get caught up in the speed-fest. i also took a short cut home with a couple of our friends.

why do we partake in this rituals/traditions? is the need for familiarity that strong?

oh i forgot to mention that after we got back to the house and cleaned up, the dinner was a sushi fest! this is one tradition that i can certainly support!

happy new year!

decade

i used to blog with nothing in mind; i'd just type and see what came out. then it got to the point where i wouldn't blog because i had nothing specific to say. so i'd go days, weeks, months without adding anything. so today i thought i'd go back to my original plan... write with nothing in mind.

people often use this time of year as a time of reflection, and they like to evaluate their lives and make resolutions they know they won't keep. i feel like i am constantly evaluating my life, so i have no specific need to do so at this time of year. and in recent years, my only resolution has been to NOT make any resolutions. i think i'll stick to that one again this year... oops, there it goes. broken already.

despite the fact that i haven't been blogging much, i have been writing in my hand-written journal every day. my first written journal entry was december 31, 1996, so i've been at it for a decade! i'm quite proud of myself for this achievement, and i intend on keeping this up. i just started a new journal book - it's number 36. i now have an entire shelf of filled books, and i sometimes flip one open and read what i have written. in the early journalling days, i wasn't very insightful, but i still scribbled down thoughts. only recently have i felt that i've added some depth to my thoughts and my writing. and yet i still feel like i'm just scratching the surface. the surface of what, i don't know. i try to write every single day - i missed a day last fall when i stayed over night at my brothers and forgot to take my journal with me. back when i started a decade ago, i didn't write every day - i only wrote when i felt like it, so it might have been once or twice a week, sometimes more, sometimes less. but now i feel like i'm missing out if i don't scribble something down each day.

this blog has been going for over three years. i'm glad i started it. i recently encouraged a friend to get started here too. i think people should write more. i think humans, by nature, are story tellers (and story readers or listeners). i look forward to reading stories, so keep writing!

Two more days

I was asked what concert i went to last week - the musician is a guy named Ron Hawkins (not to be confused with Rompin' Ronnie Hawkins, please!). You can find out more about him at myspace.com/acousticrevue

I think we're pretty set for xmas. My goal was to avoid stores on this last weekend before Christmas. I will have to run out to the grocery store this afternoon, but otherwise, I'm done shopping. I try not to get too stressed out about shopping - in recent years, I've done a lot of my shopping online - it's great - things are delivered right to my door, free of charge (the shipping is free, not the items!). I think it's easy to get all negative about the hustle and bustle at this time of year. Whenever I talk to my mom, she just complains about all the shopping she has to do and all the preparations for xmas dinner, and how people are just going to have to be happy with what they get. It's not just passing comments either; it's a whole whiney conversation about the whole ordeal. I think that's their nature though - when stressful things occur, we can choose how we deal with it - in their case, their response is very negative. This is the kind of environment I was brought up in, and I know I can get in these moods too. I am, however, trying to overcome these habits, and simply be more positive.... on that note... Happy Holidays to anyone who may read this!.

The good news is that my boss sent a little Christmas bonus with my pay cheque, so with that, plus some Xmas money, I should be able to buy a mandolin. I have no idea how to play one, but I figure I can learn. I may check out ebay too, although I have no clue what is a good mandolin and what isn't. ... I just checked... there's a vintage 1911 Gibson Mandolin that I can buy for $2000!! I imagine this one falls in the "good" category. There's another for about $70. I was in a music store a week or two ago, and they had 2 mandolins on their shelf, the cheaper one was about $150. That'll be my goal for next year (I refuse to call it a 'resolution'): to learn to play a mandolin.

I hope you all have a good time, whether with family, friends or whomever. I also hope you're all positive rather than negative :-)

Cheers!

will you be my penpal?

i was at my mom and dad's last weekend, and my dad gave me a box of stuff i'd left there years ago. most of the box was file folders of old notes from my first and second year of undergrad. but there was one folder that contained birthday cards and letters that were sent to me - mostly from the summer i turned 17, and spent 8 weeks at a camp. the camp was located some 10 hours north of where i lived, and there were 24 17-year-old guys there for the summer. i corresponded with a number of people while i was there - i have letters from my mom and dad, my younger brother, my sister, (none from my older brother, which is no surprise), my best friend at the time, a girl i liked (but we weren't dating), and a pen pal. the pen pal letter is interesting, and when i read it, i was taken back to the letter i'd written to her previously. one of the senior guys at our camp knew someone at a girls camp near north bay (about 5 hours away), and he got her to send him a list of names of girls at that camp. when he got the list, all the guys at our camp picked a girl's name, and wrote them a letter. most of the guys wrote these horny letters (as most 17 year old guys would probably d0), and they never got a response. i guess i wasn't like most 17 year old guys, because i remember my letter to be more civilized. the letter i found last weekend is the reply to my letter, and it's a long one. the girl i wrote to was about my age, and she was very grateful that i didn't get all pervy with my letter, as she had read other letters sent to the other girls. she talked about herself, and how she would like to meet me one day (even though she mentioned that she had a boyfriend!). i seem to recall that we exchanged letters into the fall, after summer camp had ended, but i only found this initial letter. we never did meet, but it's interesting to find a letter from someone i'd never met. this, of course, predates the internet, but reading the letter kinda felt like i was reading an email from someone i'd met online. the penpal has been replaced by chat and email, apparently!

it's been a while... not much. how 'bout you?

i used to blog so regularly. now, it seems, hardly at all. i can't say i have any excuses. just other priorities, i guess. it's been a cold and rainy fall, so i've hardly been biking. i was, however, in a hockey tournament last weekend. we played games thursday and friday night. then 2 on saturday. because we kept winning, we played 2 more on sunday, for a total of 6 games in under 72 hours. we won the tournament, so that was pretty exciting. but that's a lot of hockey games in a short time, and my body was aching for a few days. i felt like i was contributing to the team. i am not really a goal scorer but i scored 5 goals in the 6 games. then i had to jump right back into work this week with a teaching gig monday and tuesday. i find teaching to be somewhat enjoyable, but exhausting. i only do it a few times a year, and i think it went quite well. i guess it all caught up with me - on thursday night i got sick. real sick. i woke up with wicked pain in my stomach and spent most of the night in the bathroom. ill spare you those details, but i've been in bed most of the time since then, resting, sleeping, writing a little. i'm even blogging from the comfort of my bed, on my laptop, right now. oh the wonders of wireless technology... i have a hockey game tonight but i'm going to skip it. i just don't have the energy and i haven't been eating much.

i've been playing guitar a lot lately. i've learned some new songs - some snow patrol, and a song by the white stripes called 'we're going to be friends'. maybe i'll record them and put them up on my 360 page. oh, i also have a myspace. i don't know how much i'm going to use it - if i do, i'll forward the link in this blog. it's already hard enough update these blog entries onto 360, diaryland and blogspot. yeah, i'm lazy, i know...

i've been writing a bit too. poems and mindless stuff in my journal.

and hoepfully, i'll be writing in my blog a bit more frequently...

are you real?

summer's setting and while i love the fall, i'm always sad to see summer go. soon, kids will be back at school and my allergy to ragweed pollen will be in full swing. i've already had a few sneeze attacks. why do i sneeze in threes? (because it rhymes?)

this time of year also means peach season! i love peaches, i think they're my favourite fruit, but ask me again next june when strawberries are fresh.

i've been wondering how well we can know people. i've also been thinking that we're all just actors. some of us are acting all the time. pople put on a show when others are around, but what are they really like? i guess we'll never know. but i guess i'm seeking sincerity. the more you get to know someone, the more you can see how consistent they are, and there's no way of knowing until you've known them for a period of time (months? years?) . people you meet fall into two categories - people you who you like more the more you get to know them, or people you like less, the more you get to know them. i am reminded of this because i visited a friend yesterday and i met his family. they were polite, friendly to me. but i witnessed a couple little incidents that led me to believe that they were putting on a show, so i got to wondering what they're really like, and how well we really know people. and how we all put on a show when people come to visit. i like to think i'm sincere and consistent, and i am drawn to people who are the same. it's not all about show... it's about being real...

are you real? are you for real?

reflections

so i passed the milestone birthday, and i can say this much: it was pretty much like any birthday i've had. i've come to the conclusion that we become 'old' when we begin to look at the past more than we look to the future. so i'm looking ahead...

i have a mountain bike race this weekend - one of those crazy 24-hour relay races. There are 9 other really fast dudes on my team, so I'll probably only do 2 laps. still, it's a fun event. mountain biking is a funny sport. i love it, but i'm finding that most people at these events are male (probably 3/4 of them are), and most of them are between the ages 30 and 50. so i'm right in the middle of that. on my team for this race, i'll be among the older guys, but it will still be fun. i hope i don't slow the team down too much. send me your good weather hopes, and send me a guiding light for the racing i'll be doing in the middle of the night.

for my birthday, i got a few books, a lovely journal book, some music, some biking garb. stuff i need and want. one of the books is by rumi, whom i've wanted to read for quite some time. look for me to add some rumi quotes in this journal some time, just not tonight. i also visited the library on the weekend, and i picked up some cds there - some tom waits, rufus, otis and johnny. i'm listening to thom yorke's solo CD which i bought. it has a very radiohead sound, which isn't a surprise, considering he's the voice of radiohead.

my core strengthening class resumed tonight after a few weeks off. my instructor ran an ironman triathlon! nothing like swimming a few miles, riding a bike for over a hundred miles and THEN running a marathon in under 10 hours. these triathletes are sick folks i tell you...

keep smiling!

four decades

or two score, or 40 years...

so this friday, i hit the milestone birthday of 40. all along i've been thinking that it's no big deal, it's just another number. but i think i've been in denial. it doesn't seem like that long ago when i turned 30, but i don't recall much about being 20 or 10...

so yeah, i'm getting older, there's no arguing that. but we all are. turning 40 is just another reminder of this. 40 is the age i remember my dad being, not that long ago, it seems. he turns 70 this year.

at 40, am i supposed to have my career and job all figured out?
am i supposed to have a 'retirement plan'?
am i supposed to be mature?
am i supposed to stop being a kid?
am i supposed to be responsible?

if so, i'm still waiting...

i've read that 40 is the old age of youth, while 50 is the youth of old age.

but yeah, it's just a number...

dare to be bold

i've been thinking about the creative spirit, but perhaps even beyond that, i'm thinking about passion. people who have passion for an endeavour, whether it's their job, or something creative - like music or art or writing. or a hobby or sport. i know a lot of people who seem to have such passion for what they do. and i think it shows in the result. i know people who are passionate about their career, and they're successful. i know people who are passionate about a sport, and they're successful. i know people who are passionate about pottery, or writing. and they're successful. and you don't need to look very hard to find musicians who are passionate about their music.

they're not afraid to fail. they're not afraid to make mistakes. and they don't care what people think, because it's their passion, and they love doing it. they take chances, they put themselves out there. and i admire this.

personally, i'm afraid to take chances. i'm afraid to fail.

so maybe it's a personality thing. i wonder if i am capable of this kind of passion. i wonder if i just haven't found something to be passionate about yet... or maybe i am passionate about things, i just don't recognize it.

it seems like i'm just too concerned with what other people will think, and i'm too afraid of upsetting anyone. one of my biggest fears is that people won't like me. people with passion, they just don't seem to care...

it's time to take chances, it's time to be bold...

a day of rain

we spend our lives trying to establish some kind of stability, or routine. once we have that established, we have our nice, tidy little box, or zone of comfort. and life goes on this way, contently. but once in a while, i want to take a little peak out of this box, and see what else is out there. i am a very predicatable person, always doing what is expected - no surprises. and there's a reason i'm like this. but that doesn't mean i can't expand my box, even just a little bit.

when life becomes routine, predictable, don't we start to die, just a little bit?

and these new things... they can be as simple as reading a new book, or meeting a new person. it doesn't mean i have to start skydiving, or mountain climbing.

it just means getting out of the box every once in a while - taking chances, overcoming fears, and being a little unpredictable. and i need to lose that fear of making mistakes... it's choking me...

reacquainting

i don't post in here as much as i used to, or as much as i'd like. i guess my blogging time has been occupied with other endeavours. priorities change all the time...

but i was reminded yesterday that i haven't blogged in a while. and i enjoy it, so i'll try to be here a bit more... be patient while i reacquaint myself with the blog...

i've been thinking about my uncle, who died a few weeks ago now. the funeral was nice. very emotional for me, and i'm actually quite proud of this. for the longest time, i've thought i was incapable of such emotion. i'm rediscovering this part of myself...

at the funeral, i wore an old suit i bought way back when i convocated from my master's degree, in 1993. i don't wear a suit very often, thankfully. in fact, i've only ever owned two suits....

summer's in full gear. we had a camping trip over the long weekend. it's so refreshing to live outdoors for even just a few days. my body seems to need this. i swam in a Great Lake and was reminded of how invigorating water can feel. the beach was sandy, and the water was so shallow, we could walk offshore hundreds of feet before we even hit waist-deep water. at night, away from the city, the stars appeared one by one, and the half-moon smiled at me. i took a couple of night walks alone, just short walks along darkened paths, with only the light of the moon to guide me. then at one point, i was guided by the light of a firefly. i stopped and watched it flicker in the night, and i talked to it. i asked where it was going to lead me and it headed off along the path in the direction i was going. the night is full of fey friends...

i also went for a little bike ride by myself one morning. as a parent, i have learned to appreciate these moments when i can get time to myself. i was riding through the woods on a path. and i saw a deer, not 5 feet from the path! i stopped maybe 10 feet away, and looked at it. it looked at me, unfazed, and went about it's merry way, munching on leaves. i kinda felt like it was there just for me, waiting for me. when i finally showed up, it greeted me with a nod of its head, and moved on. the forest is full of friends...

i'm using the ellipsis a lot today... it means... stay tuned... there's more to come...

as it turns out, it's not that difficult

i've been absent for a few weeks. i guess i've been busy making other plans...

my uncle died this week. he was in his 80s and had been suffering from what started as a bout with pneumonia and turned in to serious lung disease. i had visited him 2 days earlier and i could tell his breathing was very laboured. apparently he died peacefully, which was a blessing. when i got the news the next morning, i was very sad, even though i'd been expecting this call. i got off the phone and cried a good cry. this is a big thing for me - i can't remember the last time i really cried; i thought i'd lost that ability. it's good to have it back.

but now, a day or so later, i feel blank. i have a few days before the funeral. and i just feel tired....

i'll post more later...

dreaming with eyes wide open

we had a long weekend in may, just over a week ago. for the second year, we went camping to the NORTH! and for the second year, it was damn freezing! this year, there were rumours of snow in the early morning. thankfully, we took a little electric heater, and we had the foresight to book a campsite with electricity! we got a good night's sleep every night, while campers all around us packed up and left earlier in the weekend. the last night, monday night, most people were long gone. it was so quiet, and beautiful. i went for a walk that last night, on the beach by myself. it was a clear night and i sat on the sand and looked up at the sky. the longer i looked up at the clear, moonless sky, the more stars i saw; first just a handful, then dozens, hundreds, thousands...

when i look up at the sky like this, i am reminded of the size of the universe, the distance between stars, the age of the universe...

i could have lied there all night, dreaming, with eyes wide open.

but the chill penetrated to my skin. it came to me in a breeze, as if someone willed it towards me. maybe someone did.....

i took my flashlight and shined it straight up into the air, up to the sky, just in case someone was looking at me... they'd know where to look..... here i am!

sometimes, things seem so far way...
other times, that which is so far away can seem so close.

thank you

tagged!

I was just tagged by OrcaPhyll:

4 jobs i've had in my life:
1. a candy factory
2. a 'junior ranger' for a summer in northern ontario
3. a gold exploration company, also in northern ontario
4. a paperboy

4 movies i can watch over and over again:
1. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
2. the matrix
3. ferris bueller's day off
4.

4 places i have lived
1. toronto
2. ottawa
3. in fear
4. student residence

4 TV shows i love to watch
1. lost
2. scrubs
3. hockey night in canada
4. the office

4 places i have been on vacation
1. costa rica
2. bahamas
3. western canada
4. eastern canada

4 websites i visit daily
1. cbc.ca
2. theweathernetwork.com
3. canadiancyclist.com
4. www.maplemusic.com

4 favourite foods
1. pizza (homemade)
2. apples, apple sauce, apple pie, apple crisp, apple juice
3. blue corn chips and guacamole
4. seafood!
5. sushi

4 people i'll tag
1. artsymamasita
2. kelerifica
3. cascade kayaker
4. flower alice

i coulda been...

yeah, sometimes we get bogged down with all of these responsibilities... like work, kids... and it's so easy to forget about ourselves. i had a few long days this week, for work. a big chunk of the time was commuting. for 3 days straight i spent 4 hours in the car each day, stuck in traffic. it was unavoidable. i usually enjoy short trips in the car, for i can be alone with my thoughts and my tunes. but in traffic... well, i started to think about all the cool things i could be doing, instead of sitting in traffic...

- i could be writing in my journal
- i could be playing my guitar
- i could be playing 'go fish' with my kid
- i could be drawing upon one of my sources of inspiration
- i could be going for a walk in the woods
- i could be riding my bike
- i could be drawing
- i could be interacting with like-minded souls
- i could be lying on the grass staring up at the clouds
- i could be blogging
- i could be taking photographs
- i could be writing a poem, or a song
- i could be kissing
- i could be reminiscing
- i could be writing a letter
- i could be sleeping
- i could be waking up
- i could be making love
- i could be reading
- etc. etc. etc.

you get the message...

i've been thinking about inspiration, passion and courage. what makes the great people great? they have the courage to do things, and to make mistakes. that courage comes from a passion for what they do. i'm seeking that courage. i'm seeking the passion. and i'm finding inspiration all over the place. in the sky, the trees, the flowers. in people i meet. in places i go. inspiration is all over. thank you.... the only place i don't feel inspiration is work.... but that's for a different day.

final thoughts...

- what's up with the others?
- i'm going camping tomorrow for the long weekend... send your warm, dry weather thoughts up this way, please!
- is it wrong that sometimes, all i feel like doing is lying down in my bed with my journal and writing mindless words that no one may ever read?
- i'm wondering if you will read this entry...

an audience of one

have you ever had one of those moments when you are all alone, and you see something that truly fascinates you... and you know that you're the only person in the world who saw that event? it's as if that single event was performed just for you. well maybe this has happened to you and you've never noticed, or never cared, or never appreciated it before. i went for a little walk by myself on a weekend away this past weekend. I walked up the river and came to a spot where no one else could possibly be. And then i saw them.... the rainbow trout... jumping upstream to spawn, i suppose. yeah, i know they were doing what they do every year, and they would be doing it even if i wasn't watching... but part of me wants to believe they were putting on a show for me, their audience of one. it's kind of a selfish way of looking at the world...

as i walked through the trees, i tried to walk so softly so as not to disturb the birds and the other small animals that were scurrying around. i saw the bluejays hopping from tree to tree high above me, shrieking warnings to each other about the intruder. and i thought 'i shouldn't disturb nature'. but then i thought... why can't i be a part of nature, rather than a disturbance to it? when did we go from being a part of nature to being a disturbance to it?

the old once-ler still lives there... ask him... he knows.

playoff time

spring has sprung. the flowers are ready to bloom, the birds are singing, the snow is long gone and the buds are forming on the trees. this can mean only one thing....

nhl playoff time!

however, my leafs didn't make the playoffs this year. they made a valiant run in the final couple of weeks, but they were too far gone to sneak in. they won 9 of their last 12, losing two in overtime, and getting blown out in the second-to-last game of the season, in buffalo. i went to that game. we lost 6-0 and i even had to travel to a different country to see this game! the only game we lose in weeks... (for those of you in the know... we had a sieve playing goal in buffalo - he has lost his last 3 games, allowing a total of 18 goals... our winning streak (8-0-2) was with another goalie, who 'got the night off' in buffalo).

so yeah, spring is here. i've been out on my road bike a bit. i'm still waiting for my mountain bike to come back from the shop. time's awasting, i need to ride!

maybe this spring, i'll be able to watch the playoffs as an unbiased observer - enjoying the game for the beauty, rather than as an irrational fan, cheering every leafs goal, booing every missed call, or opposition goal. (this is me rationalizing...)

dreams for sale

last night i had this dream i was in a studio with the original members of the Eagles. the studio was in a resort they had rented, and the band sat around the studio making random sounds. then one band member started to talk. i was there with about 5 or 6 other non-band members; each of us had an acoustic guitar. the band member said he'd start to play and sing one of their songs, and then each of us non-members would take over, and sing a verse. it was an audition, and i wasn't too familiar with the song he chose. however, when my turn came up, i somehow managed to get the guitar chords right and sing the words that i didn't know. i came across as o.k., but not spectacular, but i don't think they picked me.

i'm not even a huge fan of the eagles.

do you ever wonder how some things (or some people) pop into your dreams? i suppose they don't pop in... they're already always in your head. sometimes i dream of the most obscure person from high school - someone i haven't thought about since the last time i saw them in the 1980s. how'd they get into my dreams?

how'd you get in here? can i see your invitation please?

it makes me wonder who dreams about me? does this same obscure person ever wonder how i got into their dreams?

do you dream about me?

a lifetime of firsts...

i attended a 50th birthday party last weekend, and i was reminded of the passage of time. i'm still a decade away from the half-century myself, but i've been doing some reflecting about aging. i started to think that maybe 'young' is simply when you're always looking ahead, whereas 'old' is when you spend more time looking back, rather than ahead. i'm still looking forward a lot; to what i don't know, but the future - my future specifically - holds so much potential. i am, however, looking back a fair bit; i'm now at the age i remember other people being - people whom i thought were 'old'. 40 isn't old. nor is 50, for that matter. however, when i was 22, 40 sure seemed old. i now know better...

i think if we keep challenging ourself, we continue to remain young. to do this, we need to find things to do for the first time. i believe that when we fall into the situation where we've become set in our ways, we become old. maybe young is when we make mistakes and learn from them; old is when we think we know better, and we no longer make mistakes. or: young is when we are doing things for the first time; old is when we have enough experiences such that we don't do anything for the first time any more. if that's the case, let me try something new each day, and not fear failure or embarassment.

on that note, i painted my first ever watercolour a couple of weeks ago. i loved doing it so much that i painted my second watercolour only a few days later. i hope to take digital photos of these paintings and put them up on my flickr account. i can't believe it took me so long to try this. i wonder what else i should be trying for the first time. any suggestions? leave a note...

i was at lunch last week with an old friend of mine. we concluded that it's not about what you know; it's about how you communicate what you know. i've been thinking about this. i know some terribly annoying people; people who aren't talking if they're not talking about themselves. i steer clear of these types, but inevitably, we have to deal with them. i also think about how we meet new people all the time. i like to think i'm open-minded, but the truth is, with some people, we feel an immediate connection, and can speak openly with them right away. being a shy person at first, i think i may cherish these 'connections' more readily than most.

i looked out my window a few minutes ago and it was snowing. snow in april... winter's last gasp.... die winter, die! outside on the grass i saw a single bird happily bouncing along in the snow. it was a robin. i smiled because the robin looked so happy. it looked at me, and happily bounced along on its way...

photos

i've started a webpage on flickr, with some of my photos. i hope to keep adding stuff there, so, in a moment of boredom, feel free to go to:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/12584986@N00/

the paper route

i was one of those kids that had a paper route when i was a kid. the route was handed down from my older sis and bro to my younger bro and me. we had 2 streets, the street we lived on and the next street over, so the logical way to split the route for him to take one street and me to take the other. the street we lived on was a longer street, and it was closer, so it must have been the preferred route. however, i somehow ended up with the other street, farther away with fewer houses (and subsequently, less pay!). i can't remember how i ended up with the less favourable street. my little bro is more vocal than me, so maybe he was more insistent. or maybe i requested the other street because it was less work and i was lazy. or maybe, just maybe, it was because there was a girl in my class who lived on that street, and i was hoping for a chance to "accidentally" run into her after school when i delivered the paper!

back in those days, the paper boy (or girl) had to go door-to-door every two weeks to 'collect' for the paper. i hated this part of the job. people were invariably out, and i'd have to go back. i was a shy kid and i feared that interaction, despite the fact that i meant i got paid. the only time i enjoyed collecting was around december when people were a little more generous with tips. a $2 tip was a lot to a 11 year old kid.

my best friend in grade 5 lived on that street. i've written about him in this blog i think. we later drifted apart and he died of leukemia by about grade 9.

there was also this old house on a hill at the end of the street. all the other houses were built around the same time, except this one, which was built in the early 1900s. it was one of those old stone houses, and their lot was huge. i imagine it was an old farmhouse before developers came to the scene. this was in the northeast end of toronto, and back then, there was no development north of us. now there is, for many more miles. of course, my paper route was some 30 years ago.....

come on in...

i have been thinking about tattoos. i don't have one. and i don't think i'll get one. but no one i know would ever expect me to get one, and because of this, i'm almost tempted to get one. i've always done what is expected. and do you know what that's like.... to live under the burden of expectation?

raise your hand if you know...

isn't this life's great paradox? we're all trying to be independent and different. but if we're all doing it, doesn't this mean we're all the same?

i remember a long time ago.... this kid in my class for swimming lessons. the first few classes, all he'd do was sit on the edge of the pool, shivering. his arms wrapped around his knees. he was so afraid of the water. it was a beginner's class. i felt sorry for him, yet i probably made fun of him. but what is it i really remember? how much of my memory is of what really happened, and how much of it have i made up in the years since? the mind does funny things over time. it turned out that he passed that class, and i failed. now, years later, when i think of that kid, maybe i'm seeing a reflection of myself. maybe i'm projecting my own image of myself onto him. maybe i was afraid of the water.....

there's nothing to be afraid of...

the water's fine.

"don't dive shallow in deep dark waters"

failed

i didn't write this. it's a song by chris brown and kate fenner. 'failed' is such a powerful word, but i can't read or write it without attaching a judgment. failure seems so harsh. what is failure? maybe it's just making a mistake without learning from it. i don't know. i guess, in writing these lyrics down, i have failed to be original...


failed to look, failed to find
failed to try, failed to climb
failed to hunger, failed to yearn
failed to behold and failed to burn

failed to sing, failed to convince
failed to fear and failed to risk
failed to want, failed to yield
failed to love and failed to fail

failed to come, failed to go
failed the tide and failed the tow
failed to suffer, failed to glow
failed to believe and failed to know

o witness, i climb the stair
o witness, flowers in my hair
o witness, i palm the key
o witness, o witness

failed to linger in the shadow of a swallow's flight
failed to count every grain of sand and failed to chase the light
failed to follow something slow
failed in wonder and in hope
falied to follwo something slow
failed in wonder, failed in hope

research

Somtimes it seems like what i'm doing is such a waste of time, and in these moments, it's hard for me to get motivated. then i see myself in the future, perhaps on my death bed, thinking back on my life, wishing that i hadn't spent so much time doing this, and i had spent more time doing that. in life though, there are times we have to do things we don't like for whatever reason. and really, if we only did what we liked, how would we know we liked it?

i look at life this way: everything we do, everywhere we go, everyone we meet - it's all research.

i read this interview once... the journalist asked an author: what would you say to yourself if you could go back in time 20 years and if you saw yourself hanging out in bars, drinking and smoking? the author responded, "i'd say get off your ass you have work to do", then he said "but the 'me' from 20 years ago would say 'shut up old man, this is RESEARCH'".

so it's all research. the good times and the bad. the good events and the bad. the good people and the bad.

and in many ways, it is the bad times, the bad events, the bad people - and how we handle these - that truly define us.

it's midnight again. saturday night. and i've got the headphones one. when i started this post, i was listening to a cover of a neil young song: everybody knows this is nowhere.

now, as i end this post, i'm listening to a song by a guy named david gray. the song is called 'the one i love'. it's not a cover version.

good night

i can see for miles

it's after midnight, which means it's late for me. it's a cold wintery night and i almost feel like going for a walk outside just to hear the snow crunching under foot. that's not going to happen though, as i feel my eyelids getting heavier as i type this.

i've been keeping a journal for over 9 years, and i think i'm on book 31. i keep all my books on a shelf by my bed, and on occasion, i grab a random volume and read. the first books were very shallow, mindless dribble, but i think my writing is evolving. i think i'm digging a little deeper. i think i'm seeing the world with more clarity. i think i'm seeing myself with more clarity. i have had the opportunity to look into a mirror and the reflection is appealing, because i know there's more there than what i see. for this i'm forever grateful...

it's really not complicated; it's really simple. it's as clear as the view from the rooftop without a cloud in the sky. can't you see it? surely you must!

truth

there is always truth, whether stated or not.
once, however, actions are put into words, something is lost.
words are always watching over us, even when we don't want to be watched.
my imagination demands so much attention.
so what i'm trying to say, is that i have something to say, but i'm not so sure it needs to be said.
once said, it becomes open to judgment
what is the truth? once we define a truth by words, we distort it.
so let's leave it for what it is
and smile.

just in case...

i dreamed i saw your name, and i wondered what i should do. should i look for you? should i ignore you? i was confused; i wanted to walk away because i didn't know what to say. you came after me, smiled and assured me everything was alright, but i knew it wasn't the same and never would be. when you left that time, i walked away and i felt so cold. the coldness stayed with me the rest of the day, and through the night as i stared at the light from the streetlight peaking through a crack in the curtains and shining on the ceiling above me. i needed to define this moment, but i didn't know how. i got up out of bed that night, after midnight some time. i went out back and lied down on the grass. i wanted to look up at the stars but it was a cloudy evening. i still felt so cold. i have no recollection of the next day or the weeks that followed. i thought about time and how it doesn't heal all wounds. no, sometimes time just beats you with a stick and brainwashes you...