come on in...

i have been thinking about tattoos. i don't have one. and i don't think i'll get one. but no one i know would ever expect me to get one, and because of this, i'm almost tempted to get one. i've always done what is expected. and do you know what that's like.... to live under the burden of expectation?

raise your hand if you know...

isn't this life's great paradox? we're all trying to be independent and different. but if we're all doing it, doesn't this mean we're all the same?

i remember a long time ago.... this kid in my class for swimming lessons. the first few classes, all he'd do was sit on the edge of the pool, shivering. his arms wrapped around his knees. he was so afraid of the water. it was a beginner's class. i felt sorry for him, yet i probably made fun of him. but what is it i really remember? how much of my memory is of what really happened, and how much of it have i made up in the years since? the mind does funny things over time. it turned out that he passed that class, and i failed. now, years later, when i think of that kid, maybe i'm seeing a reflection of myself. maybe i'm projecting my own image of myself onto him. maybe i was afraid of the water.....

there's nothing to be afraid of...

the water's fine.

"don't dive shallow in deep dark waters"

failed

i didn't write this. it's a song by chris brown and kate fenner. 'failed' is such a powerful word, but i can't read or write it without attaching a judgment. failure seems so harsh. what is failure? maybe it's just making a mistake without learning from it. i don't know. i guess, in writing these lyrics down, i have failed to be original...


failed to look, failed to find
failed to try, failed to climb
failed to hunger, failed to yearn
failed to behold and failed to burn

failed to sing, failed to convince
failed to fear and failed to risk
failed to want, failed to yield
failed to love and failed to fail

failed to come, failed to go
failed the tide and failed the tow
failed to suffer, failed to glow
failed to believe and failed to know

o witness, i climb the stair
o witness, flowers in my hair
o witness, i palm the key
o witness, o witness

failed to linger in the shadow of a swallow's flight
failed to count every grain of sand and failed to chase the light
failed to follow something slow
failed in wonder and in hope
falied to follwo something slow
failed in wonder, failed in hope

research

Somtimes it seems like what i'm doing is such a waste of time, and in these moments, it's hard for me to get motivated. then i see myself in the future, perhaps on my death bed, thinking back on my life, wishing that i hadn't spent so much time doing this, and i had spent more time doing that. in life though, there are times we have to do things we don't like for whatever reason. and really, if we only did what we liked, how would we know we liked it?

i look at life this way: everything we do, everywhere we go, everyone we meet - it's all research.

i read this interview once... the journalist asked an author: what would you say to yourself if you could go back in time 20 years and if you saw yourself hanging out in bars, drinking and smoking? the author responded, "i'd say get off your ass you have work to do", then he said "but the 'me' from 20 years ago would say 'shut up old man, this is RESEARCH'".

so it's all research. the good times and the bad. the good events and the bad. the good people and the bad.

and in many ways, it is the bad times, the bad events, the bad people - and how we handle these - that truly define us.

it's midnight again. saturday night. and i've got the headphones one. when i started this post, i was listening to a cover of a neil young song: everybody knows this is nowhere.

now, as i end this post, i'm listening to a song by a guy named david gray. the song is called 'the one i love'. it's not a cover version.

good night

i can see for miles

it's after midnight, which means it's late for me. it's a cold wintery night and i almost feel like going for a walk outside just to hear the snow crunching under foot. that's not going to happen though, as i feel my eyelids getting heavier as i type this.

i've been keeping a journal for over 9 years, and i think i'm on book 31. i keep all my books on a shelf by my bed, and on occasion, i grab a random volume and read. the first books were very shallow, mindless dribble, but i think my writing is evolving. i think i'm digging a little deeper. i think i'm seeing the world with more clarity. i think i'm seeing myself with more clarity. i have had the opportunity to look into a mirror and the reflection is appealing, because i know there's more there than what i see. for this i'm forever grateful...

it's really not complicated; it's really simple. it's as clear as the view from the rooftop without a cloud in the sky. can't you see it? surely you must!

truth

there is always truth, whether stated or not.
once, however, actions are put into words, something is lost.
words are always watching over us, even when we don't want to be watched.
my imagination demands so much attention.
so what i'm trying to say, is that i have something to say, but i'm not so sure it needs to be said.
once said, it becomes open to judgment
what is the truth? once we define a truth by words, we distort it.
so let's leave it for what it is
and smile.