snow melt

i'm stuck in a home office that gets too hot when it's warm outside. it's warm outside. the snow is melting - i can almost see the piles of snow getting smaller. they leave behind a trail of sand and stones from the winter roads. it's messy, but i imagine it to be like the retreat of huge sheets of ice at the end of the last ice age. except back then, the ice didn't leave behind a few pebbles or a handful of dirt - they left behind miles of hills. i have read that the land i now live on was once covered with an ice sheet that was over 1000 metres thick. this past winter wasn't quite that bad.

the metaphor of melting ice, or retreating glaciers is somehow suitable. something so solid in winter melts away to nothing in only a few days. the drops of water continue merrily on their way, always flowing downhill, along the path of least resistance. down the lawn to the road, down to the sewer system, out into the river, which flows to the lake, which flows to another lake, and finally to the ocean. unless the droplet evaporates into the air, where it might float up into the clouds and rain down once more.

moving in

a second post for the new home. in the other home, the pipes are leaking, the roof has a big hole in it, which is nice, because i get to see the night sky when i lie down in my bed. there are some stars that shine. but inevitably, it gets cold and uncomfortable.

i remain surrounded by rules, most of which are unwritten. i never break the rules; i stay within the boundaries laid before me. in this way, i fail to grow. fighting for stability, i have found a certain degree of it, yet, i somehow crave more. more what? i don't have an answer for that. more life research, i guess. you spend your whole life trying so desperately to avoiding any radical feelings, and you seek a lifestyle that accomodates this lack of feeling. then at some point you realize how stunted a lifestyle this is. and you seek to break from it. you only hope it's not too late.

first entry, new home

I don't know if I'll stick around here, but I figured I'd give this a shot, because my previous blog home has exhibited unreliable behaviour of late. And sometimes I justed need to write, something, anything.

So here I am in blogspot.

I never presume anyone will read this, but the mere act of typing out the words is enough for me.

Top 50 Canadian Albums

i'm not going to type in the full list right now, but Chart Magazine just released their issue with the Top 50 Canadian Albums of all time. This is the third time they've done this - they take a poll of hundreds of musicians, music journalists, music industry types etc., and tally up the results.

so let's cut to the chase. one of my favourite mind games is to list my favourite 5 albums (my so-called "desert island discs"). my current list includes the lowest of the low, weakerthans, clash, hip, and a guitarist named michael hedges. 3 of my 5 are on this magazine's list:

#6 The Weakerthans - Left and Leaving
#7 The Lowest of the Low - Shakespeare My Butt
#8 - The Tragically Hip - Fully Completely.

3 in the top 10. i guess i have similar tastes to canadian music gurus, whatever that means.

the top 10:
1. Sloan - Twice Removed
2. Neil Young - Harvest
3. Joni Mitchell - Blue
4. Broken Social Scene - You Forgot It In People
5. Neil Young - After the Gold Rush
6,7,8 above
9. The Band - The Band
10. Rheostatics - Whale Music (my #6 fave).

Also on the list: Rush, 3 more Sloan albums, 3 more Neil Young albums, Sarahs Harmer and McLachlan, 2 Blue Rodeos, 2 more Hip, 2 Constantines, 1 more Rheos, Cowboy Junkies, 2 Leonard Cohen, OLP, Alanis, Bryan Adams, Guess Who.....

and a CD I want to get.... Feist - Let it Die. This ablum just came out last year, and I saw her once - this tiny girl up on stage - she looked smaller than the guitar she played. She opened for Tielli a few years ago.

For the top 50 albums, there's a little blurb on each, by a band member or someone else. For the Lowest of the Low, JKS writes a poignant review of Shakespeare my Butt..... it includes "... profoundly emotional without any of the cloying sendimentality that first-person pop songs are always prone to." That pretty much sums it up. And the same could be said for JKS.

i counted that i have 20 of these top 50 albums.

i also dug up an old copy of chart magazine... they list the top 99 albums of the 90s (not just canadian). #1 was Nirvana, 2. Radiohead, 3. The Verve, 4. Radiohead again, 5. Sloan, 10. Lowest of the Low.

i imagine the same, or similar people were voting.

i should compile a list of my top 50 canadian albums. there would be some overlap, obviously. but i'd also include chris and kate, hawksley, bnl, tielli...

and i have to re-address my life soundtrack project that has been on hold since 2004....

how much do we really know?

isn't this always the case? you're out in the car, or line at the grocery store, or in some other place where you can't write your ideas down.

i have these profound thoughts at inopportune times, then when i sit down to type or write, those ideas are gone, hiding in the deep corners of my brain.

so in the absence of such thoughts, i'll resort to writing about my day(s). last night i played hockey at 11pm. we usually play until 11:50, but there was no one on after us, so we kept playing until they kicked us off the ice. they never did, and i get the feeling that we could have played until 7am this morning if we felt like staying. we packed it in around 12:30am this morning. and yes, i'm recovering; the welt isn't as bad as i thought it would be (the 1am ice pack helped!).

when i look around me, i see all sorts of motivated people. people who are so driven in their choice of profession. i wonder where they get this passion. they must find something they like and the passion happens naturally. i don't dislike my chosen profession , but i am getting the feeling that "not disliking" something isn't the same as loving it.

it seems we all seek things to be passionate about; things that make us feel. whether it's another person, or a poem or book, or music, or a movie, or something as simple as the wind in the trees, or a rainbow. I think we learn at an early age to turn off these emotions (i did anyway). and then we (i) spend the rest of our life trying to make up for lost time. for me, it's the music. and some movies. and certain people. and some books and poems. and rainbows, clouds, wind in the trees...

... and a smile.

you (i) never know when it's going to hit - this emotion. i see it like water held behind a dam, which has been built and strengthened through decades of practice. once in a while, i sense a leak in the dam; just a small leak, a dribble. then the mechanisms kick in and the leak is plugged once again. until next time, whenever that may be.

i leave you with the ellipsis; a continuation - a symbol to tell you to stay tuned...

eyes forward

ok, it's time for the snow to start melting. it's march now and i've had enough of winter. i need to get out on my bike(s).

i'm approaching my final year in my 30s, and i was thinking about what it's like turning 40, though i don't know just yet, as i'm not 40. but i'm slowly learning what it will be like. it seems that in our 20s and 30s, we're always looking ahead. by 40, there seems to be this pressure that if you haven't figured your life out by now, it's too late. you stop looking ahead, and start looking back, to decisions you've made. you wonder if you're on the right path, and even if you conclude that you're not, you think it's too late to change your path.

a few days ago, i met a woman who celebrated her 25th birthday this week. i didn't think much about it until my analytical brain calculated that she was born in 1980, the year i started high school.

yeah, i'm getting old, but i suppose i'm not getting older any faster than anyone else.

a few more aches and pains that don't disappear overnight the way they used to. a few more grey hairs that pop up on my chin when i neglect to shave for a day or two. and i'd like to think a perspective that is constantly evolving.

some have said that turning 40 is stressful because it marks the half-way point of one's expected life. i'm expecting to live well past 80 - for some reason, the number 106 comes to mind, don't ask me why...

i've got too much to do here, and i'm just getting started!

understand me.... define me.

in the end, all we want is people to stroke our egos. we like to think we we write these words as a method of healing, but really, all we want is for someone, anyone, to read our words and say, "hey, i like what you wrote", or "you have good taste in music and books".

and it becomes addictive. a few people say some nice things, and we want more. we want more people to like us, and to say and think nice things about us. our fragile egos need stroking, perhaps due to a lack of this in our childhood.

... or maybe it's just me....

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i think we're also looking for things to define us. what does define us? our tastes in music, books, movies, poems; our physical activities, our jobs, our friends. sometimes we need something to define us, and it will hit us when we least expect us. a song on the radio. the wind lightly blowing through a patch of birch trees as if that event happened just for us. maybe that's why we like reading books - to find out that we're not the only ones with these crazy, mixed-up thoughts. there's a degree of validation, i suppose.

surely i am rambling....

why stop now?

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the rheostatics are coming to town this week. i haven't decided if i'm going to go. i just saw them in november. if i go, it will be a last minute decision.

i took part in canada's other national winter sport yesterday. it involves ice, brooms and throwing rocks at houses. one person mentioned that it's the adult equivalent of the childrens game of marbles. it's harder than it looks.

stay tuned.

i've redecorated

it's not that i didn't like the window. it's just that i feel like i needed a change. what do you think? leave a note. or if you find a button that's not working let me know, thanks.

one day on a long drive home, i took this photo. if you're from southern ontario, you might recognize the hill in the background. if you're not from southern ontario, ask and i might tell you.
i've got a busy few weeks ahead of me, so i might not be updating regularly. or maybe this is just the kind of escape i'll need.

i can't think of anything else to type so i'll resort to a list of currents:

current song: somewhere over the rainbow by israel kamakawiwo'ole
current obsession: too many to name.
current fave tv show: Lost
current book: digital fortress by that guy that wrote da vinci code
current mood: melanchony
current time: 5:02pm EST
current location: ontario canada
current hockey update: i played again last night at 11pm. i'm getting to know these guys a bit better, but i still haven't scored a goal with them
.current sport to watch: that's private!

out.