the meaning of life...

i feel tired today. maybe it's stress, i don't know. i tend to lead such a stress-free life, when i do encounter stress, i don't know how to deal with it. it can be so stressful trying to lead a stress-free life...

i'm thinking about each day. how we have good days and bad. good weeks and bad. and so on.

then i started thinking about how each day prepares us for the next day. maybe that's what life's all about. the next day. so if that's the case, then today prepares me for tomorrow, which prepares me for the day after tomorrow. and so on.

so really, today prepares me for next week, and next month, and next year. right up to the day i die.

just like every one of the fourteen thousand and eighty-one days i've lived so far has prepared me for today.

i feel like i'm writing this in a dream...

seeking stability?

there comes a time in our lives when we seek a certain routineness. and while we complain about our jobs or our relationships, we feel a certain comfort in their familiarity. the early parts of our lives, we explore to find things we like and dislike. we succeed sometimes, we fail sometimes. but at some point, we seem to reach stasis. and we stop exploring. we don't experience the higher highs or the lower lows, and we sail away on an even keel. there's a certain satisfaction that comes with achieving this level of stability. knowing the pay cheque will arrive next Friday, rather than struggling to get the bills paid. things like that.

but it's as if we've become afraid to take chances, for our stable lifestyle has drawn us away from the need or desire to take risks.

i like what i've established, a suitable house over my head. a decent, if somewhat unfulfilling job. a family i love dearly.

but i want to make sure i don't get too comfortable. i want to keep going out to see live music, even if it's by myself. i want to get and stay in good shape for my mountain bike races. i want to learn to draw, and play the piano, and write something meaningful.

and perhaps most of all, i want to feel again.

tonight romanticize the automobile

bonus points to anyone who gets the reference in the title

i'm reading a book about the history of saturday night live. conclusion: it's all about sex, drugs, booze and comedy. oh, and bitter in-fighting, jealousy and co-dependency.

i looked up at the nearly full moon last night and i wondered who else in the world was looking at the moon at that exact moment. maybe you were. this would have been about half an hour past midnight, eastern time, just as i got home from playing pick-up hockey with a new group. the international ice surface made it very tiring, particularly in light of that flu bug i had last week. my strength is just starting to come back.

it's about this time i start to get antsy for spring. we're nearly into march and it's about time for the snow to start melting for good. then i'll be able to get out on my bike.

water me

i should never again underestimate the effect of water on my body. i had a bath last night. i'm not a bath person, but maybe i should be? what is a bath person anyway? i guess what i mean is, i shower -as opposed to bathe - regularly for hygienic purposes.

but i'm rambling...

so i bathed last night and i was amazed at how much better it made me feel. I woke up this morning a little groggy, but i felt better after a shower.

so what i'm getting at here is how invigorating water feels on the body.

and by way of an update:

current book: life of pi

current music: paste magazine sampler #13 (i got #14 in the mail today!)

current journal book: i think i'm on #27

current obsession: finding the fastest way to NYC's Central Park from here.

current fave gadget: ipod

current favourite Rheos song: Satan is the Whistler

current favourite guitar chord: D-minor

current favourite song to play on guitar: Such Great Heights

current favourite colour: ice blue

current favourite way to pass the time: making up current favourite lists

from the fog of a flu bug...

today is day 3 or 4 of this flu bug and it's not getting btter, or worse. deadlines are piling up at work and i can't seem to sit at a computer for more than a half an hour. i've got the tunes on, and that helps. but all i can think about is the comfort of my pillow.

since i loaded iTunes onto my PC a couple months ago, i've listened to 783 different songs from my library of over 5000 songs. i used to think i listened to 10 percent of my music 90 percent of the time. now i realize that this statement is not far from the truth.

i volunteered in a kindergarten class last week. i loved it. i think if i had to do it all over again, i'd be a teacher.

my half hour is up..... where's my pillow?

too many $$$ later

so i bought an ipod. it holds ten thousand songs. i've been organizing my music on my computer since december, so i'd been preparing for this. I have nearly 5000 songs on my ipod now. it's half full. (half empty???) the hard part (but fun) is organizing my music into playlists so it's easy to find music without having to browse through a dozen levels of folders.

right now i have a canadian shuffle (a playlist, not a new dance). and I have separated playlists as well for rheos, the hip, the weakerthans (which includes some solo samson songs). I also have a classic rock playlist with songs from the 60s and 70s, and a Retro playlist with songs from the 80s. And of course an instrumental playlist featuring windham hill songs.

anyway, just thought i'd let you know. if you don't see me around, i'm probably blissed out with the headphones on somewhere...

look both ways

i was driving this afternoon, near the university, not very fast, when i saw two students walking their bikes out towards the street in front of me. they were quite a ways ahead of me, and they were walking right out into traffic. but they weren't looking. i wasn't going very fast, but it was one of those situations where you assume they'll stop. i slowed down a bit, still thinking they'd stop, but they were nattering away, looking elsewhere and didn't see or hear me. i slowed down even more, and had to hit the horn, just as they looked and saw me. they looked surprised, but they weren't checking as they walked out onto the street. i didn't come close to hitting them, but i was thinking that i could have stopped, but also, i had assumed some degree of awareness on their part. i remember thinking... they're not going to keep walking.... they have to stop and look both ways..... i dont have to stop, they'll see me..... then ... HONK!

anyway, i've got joe jackson on, he's singing that there's something going wrong around here, but i think he's referring to something else.

and i'll leave you with this quote from a song that you may or may not know:

oh with all the colours in closed eyes
the blue and black of things will go to one
come with me tonight
to say that this is anything
is saying far too much
let's go.

i'm losing all those stupid games that i swore i'd never play

i have this thing tomorrow, work-related. and while i'm a bit nervous about it, the thing is, i had to iron some clothes for it. and in doing so, i realized that i'm glad i don't have a job where i have to iron clothes on a regular basis. yet there i was, ironing my shirt. i like to think i'm pretty good at not 'playing the game'. you know, the game, where people are out there trying to out-cool each other, or desperately tryig to do what is expected of them. that was never my thing. my job will never be ideal, but i've created a lifestyle where i'm comfortable, and i have a degree of freedom that keeps me sane.

yet i can't help but think that i'm still playing the game......